Have you ever felt like being stuck in a year of your life, as if the coming years just went by and all you did was just live? Then one day, you got a glimpse of yourself in the mirror, right at the moment when the room was well lit by the morning’s new light, and you realize, you have gotten older now. Although, your soul still feels juvenile and tender; unknowing but not innocent, no. You’ve been through so much it is impossible to remain innocent. And you know who you are on the inside is definitely not equal to the maturity that you see in the reflection in front of you?

Well, I have. I was stuck in year 2016 and I was twenty nine years old. At that time, I was at the height of my career and life was a bliss. I got a Visa credit card which monthly balance I get to pay off without any difficulty. I had a brown Fossil leather wallet and I was blessed to have always had the amount I needed to be living in the Metro. I had a silver Fossil watch that I got myself on my 28th birthday. “This will be the first of my dream watch collection,” I told myself. I was ecstatic! I rented a condominium by myself and I was living comfortably; earning and paying my own bills, and I would only have to wait for a few more months before I get to finally move to Canada. If anyone knew, it would have been obvious. I have exceeded my requirements, my own definition of being an adult. Three things: own a leather wallet, own a silver watch, have a Visa credit card. Along with every thing else, I have easily qualified as an adult now!

Yes, I’ve learned I was wrong. The hardest way.

Come first week of August this year, four years will be added to my age but it did not take me that long to realize that life is not like some video game where I can conquer battle after battle of loss and sadness, always come out victorious over self-loathing, and never drown in the immense societal pressure of perfection by a mere collection of items. And adulthood, you ask? Yes, I have not heard of anyone who has been gifted with cheat codes to get through this stage unscathed. LOL.

It took me years to remove myself from being stuck to the belief that I had all I needed to become who I wanted to be, and after a long time I have only just gained a tad bit of confidence that I think I know what I need this time.

I now see myself as a novice in life and this blog will be my journal. I will write my life on these pages as I learn to unlearn the ruinous ways I’ve treated myself before. I will write about my journey out of anxiety and depression, and share my passion for creativity and writing and adventure. All these for the hope of gaining the self I have lost back.

Sometimes, we need to be strangers to ourselves. Then the hidden light in our soul will illuminate what we need to see.

Paulo Coelho, Aleph