There is one thing I thought I’d never need – a stress leave. I’ve had this perception that taking a stress leave would make me look weak and incompetent, and why would anyone ever need a leave from one’s job to deal with “mental or emotional stress”? In the culture I grew up in, we normally deal with this kind of stress like a bump on a road – just toughen up and get over it.

Although, it’s not uncommon for us to feel like we need a break from our daily lives for what seems like a monotonous buzzing of endless line-ups of things to do, places to go, projects due in a day, bills to pay, errands to tick off, laundry to fold, garbage to take out; it is uncommon for us to want to break free from ourselves. And I don’t mean the cliche need for soul searching. What I mean is straight up stepping out of my body and just dispparate but not apparate anywhere at all. I had an overwhelming eagerness to seize to exist. It was not going to go away.

I knew I had to do something and I knew I had to put real work on it.

Privileged that I am in a place where mental health is as important as the physical, I was allowed the time to work on myself and find ways to heal, without question. Blessed that I am surrounded with my ever supportive family and friends, I was given the opportunity to find the pieces of myself I have before lost a grip on. The three weeks were short, but fruitful. One of my co-workers whom I asked for advice on handling anxiety encouraged me to go see the mountains, so I did. In the books I’ve read, they said a morning routine will help start the day with intention and focus – so I carefully crafted mine and it included looking out of the window to watch the sunrise with a grateful heart. I got myself more books with a goal to learn more about the science around depression and anxiety, and to discover the main things that has brought me deep into my anxious state and the main things I could do to lift myself up and breathe. Lastly, of course, I created this blog. If there is one thing I am certain I’ve always wanted to do, have always worked for me in bringing clarity back in, and one thing I feel I am naturally good at, it is expressing myself in writing; and while I’m in the midst of this what I call “the revolution of my soul”, I freed myself from the worry of not being good enough to write, and finally wrote.

This is not a post about my victory over anxiety and depression. I sure have a long, long way to go. But to wake up in the morning not consumed by dark, unquiet thoughts is such a triumph for me. This among other delightful changes that has happened since I’ve decided to make my sanity as my priority. I am glad I made that choice. Now, I am off to an awesome start.

And if you, just like me, are in deep, dark shit… hang in there. I know it’s terrifying. We live in world where it is almost too easy to fall through the cracks, however we also live in a world where the sun never stops rising. You will bloom, you will grow. There is hope and you hold that light within you, keep searching for it. And I hope you find inspiration in my experience, as I have in the books I read and people I meet.

There are a lot of unknowns before you and this is also true: you might end up being suprised by the courage that rises up within you, the love that continues to find you, and the grace that continues to guide you.

Morgan Harper Nichols